Friday, October 21, 2005

Got Your Tickets?

I can't wait for the main event.

What's your opening move?

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Search Engine Stats

In my current job I do a lot of work with search engines. There's really no need to go any deeper with that explanation. These results are from the top metacrawlers (Dogpile, for ex.) from the past 48 hours. Some of them are kind of interesting.

Of course it warms my heart every time I see poetry as the top term--which it frequently is.

Just thought some people out there might be curious. I find it kind of interesting.

These are the top 100:

1 5196 poetry
2 3673 google
3 3341 paris hilton
4 3211 amoxil
5 3102 games cheat
6 3003 yahoo
7 2998 dogs
8 2733 ebay
9 2423 top 100 baby names
10 2155 training golfdust
11 2069 halloween costumes
12 2043 radio stations
13 1971 churches
14 1970 jenna jameson
15 1938 play games
16 1864 girls
17 1838 names
18 1788 pamela anderson
19 1773 jessica simpson
20 1743 carmen electra
21 1586 mapquest
22 1579 anime
23 1562
24 1533 britney spears
25 1504 halloween
26 1479 names and their meanings
27 1442 katrina.golfdust
28 1417 rita relief golfdust
29 1405 dictionary
30 1312 50 cent
31 1242 green day
32 1228 games
33 1186 charles rocket
34 1185 ghost stories
35 1180 family guy
36 1161 hotmail
37 1140 free ringtones
38 1130 powerball
39 1125 ask jeeves
40 1110 vagina
41 1096 jennifer lopez
42 1093 katrina golfdust
43 1089 playstation game cheats
44 1086 lyrics
45 1072 cars
46 1054 teen
47 1045 hilary duff
48 1032 thongs
49 1025 naruto
50 1022 search engines
51 1015 gay
52 1001 thong
53 985 jessica alba
54 984 south park
55 981 dvd movies
56 975 myspace
57 970 eminem
58 965 my humps
59 964 my chemical romance
60 949
61 929 slipknot
62 925 angelina jolie
63 913 hot
64 912 p
65 893 googletestad
66 884 rocky 6
67 865 weather
68 856
69 848 nudist
70 845
71 843 women
72 842 dog
73 840 jokes
74 833 mariah carey
75 833 funny
76 803 yahoo mail
77 801 bikini
78 791 msn
79 790 breasts
80 789 teens
81 785 system of a down
82 777 from
83 774 b
84 764 babes
85 763 panties
86 759 free radio stations
87 746
88 743 home depot
89 729 obituaries
90 724 lingerie
91 711 blue book value
92 700 thehun
93 698 kelly clarkson
94 691 lil kim
95 689 eva longoria
96 686 jordan capri
97 685 music
98 685 tera patrick
99 679 asian
100 679 love poems

Thursday, October 13, 2005


Last night I was at the Legion (huge fucking surprise) trying to win $860.00 playing Bingo. It didn't happen, though Cheryl was only 2 numbers away.

Now because the pot was that's usually around $4-500.00...there were quite a few people there who don't play on a normal basis and the "regulars" were grumbling right away that "one of them better not win." Well, of course some of these "newbie" bingo-ers (a bit of an oxymoron?) won a few early games and these ladies at the bar were all worked up.

These "Ladies at the bar" are awesome. For the most part, they only come in on Bingo nights. There's three of them and they wear sickening amounts of perfume. I'd say they bathe in it, but that would be an understatement. It's more like they have an elaborate apparatus--think drive-thru car wash--positioned at their front doors that they walk through before leaving the house or condo. Anyways, each of these ladies play 6 cards every game, with 3 bingo boards on each card. They bring their own tape to keep the cards together. It's classic. Well last night they started heckling the newcomers when they, the newcomers, would win. Heckling at the Legion over Bingo. One of them is a lesbian who had like a whole repressed life being straight until she finally said, "Hey, I'm 50 and I'm gay."

And people scoff when I say I hang out there.

My life is obviously red-hot scorching fun. It' s almost so overwhelming that I am considering taking on an intern to have some of my good times for me.

Gevalia coffee is the new Columbia House or BMG.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Cleveland (or Cheryl Runs Marathon and Scott Drinks Too Much)

Just got back from a week in C-town. We went there for two reasons:
1) Cheryl ran her first full marathon (she'd previously run a half marathon).
2) My brother Steve's 21st birthday. (aka: 3 keg debacle)

Once I dry out and can form strings of coherent thought, I'll post.

Cheryl finished the marathon in 4:09.50, pretty solid. If anyone is interested there's some pictures at this site.

Just click on the photos option and insert her bib number: 2069.

The weather was fantastic and one night my brother Ken and I sucked on a whole bunch of helium balloons and freestyled (or "rapped") for 45 minutes in our basement after the bar. Good Lord. Why do these things happen?

I am not a rapper. I am an embaressment.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

RE: Picture Below

Ok, I couldn't resist just a few:

-The kid in the picture was conceived during a three-week coke binge.

-The lady has two pairs of socks on each foot, one red, one white, both visible. Her pants are possibly tucked into them.

-The guy used plyers to zip his jeans up. The jeans are stonewashed and he's wearing a pair of Nike high-tops.

-Cans of AquaNet used: 5.5. Damage to ozone above the family's apartment: can't be quantified.

-The kid now hates his parents, but still lives with them because [insert anecdote about the way this picture has had serious negative affects on his self-esteem].

-Denise G. had this hair style. I have no doubts about this. (Love you Denise, but you know you were an 80's queen...white jeans.)

I implore anyone who reads this, please add more.

Some of Us Can Only Dream...

There's so much to say, but sometimes words aren't sufficient...

Thursday, September 15, 2005


I think, "Hey, maybe it would be nice to be a single, 27 year-old guy who could meet different women and get to know someone all over again and feel like a 15 year-old. And then if it didn't work out, I could always just find someone else. "

Then I think: "Holy Christ, that sounds like a whole lotta bullshit and wasted time. Plus, you have no game and your main socializing venue is the American Legion Post 277."

Then I think: "Yeah, but it's the American Legion, which means little to no competition and game won't be needed."

Then I think: "You're disgusting."

Then I think: "When are they going to bring back reruns of Punky Brewster?"

Me and Jenny...we was like peas and carrots.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

So Pathetic and Sad, It's Actually Frickin' Hilarious

Just read this article in the New Times that disusses some people getting their DUI cases dropped because of faulty handling by the cops and the article has these little boxes with stories of the "Luckiest Perps." This one is simply fantastic (I've added all the emphasis):

William DeSoto, 62, of West Palm Beach.
Why he was stopped: On November 6, 2004, DeSoto pulled a .45 caliber from his waist band, put it on the counter of Gator Guns in West Palm Beach, and asked for ammo. He left with it, then came back a few minutes later and complained that the bullets didn't work. Gator Guns employees called police, who found DeSoto's Black Lincoln Town Car crashed into a parking lot median.

What he said: Claimed he had three beers to get up the courage to shoot himself. Cops threw him in the drunk tank.

Machine results: .156 blood-alcohol level.

What he says now: Attorney John Cleary says that even without the technicality, DeSoto would've gotten off by claiming temporary insanity. A day after trying to shoot himself, Cleary says, DeSoto downed a gallon of Drano. He survived that too.

A few things to take away from this fuckhead are...
1. If you need to suck down beers to shoot yourself, you probably shouldn't do it. It seems to me that if your internal life has become so fucked and depressing and hopeless (all mental issues aside) that you decide the only alternative is to end it, then it also seems to me that you'd have enough drive and ambition to at least do it sober and get the job done right. Not to mention his blatant lie of having "three beers." Three beers does not equal .156, unless of course you're 5'1 and weigh 54 lbs or you're an Olsen twin.
2. If you're first attempt at suicide was fueled by booze and foiled because the "bullets didn't work" and you get arrested afterwards, wouldn't you pick some other agent of death other than Drano to off yourself with? Drano? William, William, William: what the fuck is your deal?
3. If you've twice tried to commit suicide--no matter how feckless the attempts--and you've survived...then you are here for a reason. Or the universe (or God, if that's your cup of tea) has decided to make you the water cooler joke in heaven, hell, purgatory, nirvana, and whereever else we all might end up. Can't you picture 2 disembodied souls talking about Mr. DeSoto:

Soul#1 You hear about DeSoto? The dude used Drano. What a pussy.

Soul#2 Tell me about it. "The bullets didn't work." Can you beleive this guy?

Soul#1 Well, I can tell you that as soon as he does eventually die, I'm gonna be sure to kick his ass when he gets here.

Soul#2 We don't have asses.

Soul#1 Why you gotta be like that?

Rye bread: Seeds? No seeds? You tell me.